Before Bubba was born, my morning shower went like this:
Stumble into shower, turn water on as hot and high pressure as possible and stand underneath the spray until my eyes open and I remember what my name is. (I am not a morning person.)
Pick nose. (great time to empty it out, okay?!)
Wash. Every second day this includes shampooing/conditioning hair.
If it’s Friday, shave armpits and legs in preparation for the weekend.
Wash face with facial cleanser.
Stand under water until skin is tingly. (If you’re not red like a lobster when you get out, you haven’t tried hard enough.)
Get out, dry and perform morning ablutions in the safe cocoon of your nice, heated bathroom. (If the bathroom heater is not on, there is no showering happening. Bathroom must be warm like sauna.)
Now that Bubba is almost two (eeek!) and our daily schedule makes bathing him in the evenings difficult, he showers in the morning with me. These days, showers go like this:
Walk into bathroom wide awake. (i’m still not a morning person, but this is cured by the fact that I’ve already been awake for at least half an hour.)
Turn shower on and get Bubba in as quickly as possible so that he won’t pee on the floor.
Test water temperature and pressure (spray is always pointed away from us to start with) so that it is not too hot or too hard for toddler skin and point the spray at us. Aim down, because Bubba is short.
Bend down (Squat, really) and assist Bubba in saying good morning to the man in the boat who now lives permanently in the shower. Fill the boat with water. Perform morning ritual of drinking water from boat.
Explain to Bubba that it is time to wash now, retrieve soap and loofah, squeeze to create lather.
Wash the little man from the boat, because he always goes first. Wash Bubba, starting with the back, because… I have no idea, he wants to start with the back. Wash myself. If it’s a lucky day, there is still soap on the loofah.
If it’s an unlucky day, Bubba poops on the floor and I have to pick it up and put it out in the toilet by hand. Repeat above washing process. Thankfully, this has only happened once so far, and I’d like to keep it that way.
If it’s either Wednesday or Saturday, administer baby shampoo (to the man on the boat first) and then administer normal shampoo to self. Rinse and repeat process with conditioner.
If it’s Saturday, quickly shave armpits (after pretending to shave the man in the boat first), distracting Bubba from the razor by giving him the lid off the shaving gel and telling him it’s a bucket. Forget legs. If they are not hairy enough to pass for man legs, they do not need attention.
Scrub all faces, starting with man on boat, with a clean (wet) face washer.
Stand up (yes, been squatting this whole time, leg muscles like an amazon these days) and lean back in the water to rinse off. Get slapped in the privates by Bubba, who is saying “Dirty!” and try to explain to him that Mummy’s not dirty, she just can’t afford a Brazilian anymore. Give up on rinsing, call for Daddy.
Turn off shower, shake off all excess water (you guessed it, man on boat first) tip water out of boat and turn it upside down to dry in preparation for tomorrow. Pass Bubba out to Daddy, who has turned off the heater and left the door open (he dislikes sauna). FREEZING.
Squeeze past Daddy and wriggling Bubba to one corner of bathmat, dry as quickly as possible (STILL FREEZING) and wave as Bubba and Daddy leave.
Turn on heater and stand in front of it for thirty seconds to defrost. Ablute as quickly as possible, or Bubba will attack me after he is dressed and attempt to steal my perfume. Probably forget to moisturise.
The life of a Mummy is so glamorous!!
Has anything like this ever happened to you? Sharing is caring!
Lots of love,