The Toilet Monster

Today, I’m going to talk about going to the toilet. We all do it, so no need to be shy or evasive. It’s something we do every day and apart from being the butt (har har) of many jokes, going to the toilet should be natural and relatively stress free.

Yeah, ok, now we’re going to talk about what happens when I go to the toilet.

Bubba Impractical loves his Mummy very much, which is something that makes me very happy. In fact, he loves me so much he can’t stand to be separated from me for even a moment during his waking hours. Which means, when I am home alone with him during the day, that he has to come with me to the toilet. Has to.

Shut the door, I hear you say? He can open it. So let’s get that established from the start. You shut him out, he will let himself in. Then the fun begins.

Sometimes he wants to sit on your lap. That’s not so bad. It’s also not a common occurrence. So, what else? He may decide to pull on the toilet paper and unroll it. All of it, if you don’t stop him. And if you do stop him, that’s okay. He will just shred whatever toilet paper he can reach. Into tiny pieces. Sometimes they are strewn on the floor but mostly he wants to shove them between your knees, becaause that’s where the toilet paper goes, right?

So you clench your knees together and explain that mummy isn’t finished yet. Cool. Only now he slides around the side of the toilet and tries to shove you off so that he can see what’s in there. Once he actually tried to stick his face down the back of my butt. Anyway, he’s shoving. And if he still has any toilet paper, he’s trying to stick it into the bowl. Then a moment later he’s tying to press the flush, while you’re still sitting. So you carefully remove him (if you can twist that way) an explain again that mummy isn’t finished, and hope he gets it.

That’s cool, mummy. I’ll just play with the toilet brush until you’re done. Wait, what? Nonono. So you pry the brush out of his fingers and put it back. By this time he’s found the spare toilet rolls and is banging them together or ripping them up. And you let him, because you’re done and you need to wipe and trust me, you want him distracted. Because if he’s not, he wants to help. He wants to pinch your used paper. He wants to put things into the toilet. He wants to hang over the edge of the bowl and put his head in so he can see. So you speed wipe, and shut the lid and flush, and then you drag him out behind you, making sure to close the door and being thankful you survived.

It’s not just me, either. Bubba has been known to invade anyone silly enough to go to the toilet in his vicinity. He once invaded Daddy impractical whilst he was peeing (standing up, as boys do) and tried to stick his head between Daddy’s legs for a better view of what was going on. Somehow, Daddy managed not to pee on him but he is now so paranoid he takes a broom to the toilet so that he can barricade the door.

You thought it was safe to go to the toilet. Peaceful, even. You were wrong. You have been warned.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Sharing is caring!

Lots of love,
Mummy Impractical


One thought on “The Toilet Monster

  1. Thank you for being our teacher on this subject matter. I enjoyed your own article quite definitely and most of all enjoyed the way in which you handled the aspect I widely known as controversial. You happen to be always quite kind towards readers like me and help me in my life. Thank you.

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